Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Middle of the Week Post: Happy Hour Picks

I've been spotty on the weekday posts. I feel like a decent compromise between me and my glorious, adoring public (39 of you if Facebook Fans are to be trusted!) is that I do a weekend post and then occasionally I'll half-ass something during the week. Is that cool with everyone? I just watched Obama on Letterman and I have some pent up energy so I've decided to lay down, in online writing, the happy hours I would go to if I had the time and the liver to do it.

If anyone can somehow prove that they've been to all 7 of these in one consecutive week, I'll buy you a drink at someplace fancy. We'll go get a martini at- where do the rich drink?- a martini bar or an Olive Garden or something like that. A pitcher of strawberry swirl margaritas at Lauriol Plaza? Who knows. Anyway, here it is: the comprehensive E-mail Chain guide to drinking on the cheap in DC.


My work week starts on Mondays, like many people, because it is the first day in which I go to work. This makes Monday one of the shittier days of the week. There is no joke I could make here that Garfield hasn't already made poorly, so I'll just leave it at that. On Monday, go to Duffy's for $2.00 canned beers. This includes the 16oz version of Pabst Blue Ribbon. 16oz for $2.00?! That sounds fantastic. Best part is the deal lasts until 11:30, which is good because Metro closes shortly thereafter. See? Even if you don't live near U Street, you don't have to settle for expensive drinks in your neighborhood. Unless you live in Georgetown. If you do, just do us all a favor and settle, alright?


Tuesday is a strange day. I'm not going to explain that, I just always feel that Tuesdays are a little funny. It's like seeing skinny people on the Tourmobile. It's not necessarily wrong, it just doesn't feel right. In the spirit of doing something that doesn't quite feel right, I'm going to recommend a bar downtown. It's Chef Geoff's. It's not going to be loud. It's not going to be crowded. ESPN and maybe CNN will be on. It's at Metro Center. However, $2.95 "long necks" (what normal people refer to as bottles of beer), $7.95 Super Mugs (33.8oz), $5.95 giant, really good burgers and $8.95 pizza make this something worth your while. Catch a flick at the E Street Cinema before hand perhaps. Or don't and just go drink and eat burgers. Either is OK with me.


OK. I've got U Street covered. Downtown covered. Time to give everyone's favorite least favorite place in DC some love: The Hill! People who work on the hill are pretty weird. It's a given. However, people who DON'T work on the hill and just show up to drink there are much, much weirder. Borderline creepy, actually. This is where you all come in. I have to give it up for the Union Pub. $2.00 Bud, Bud Light and Bud Lime (if you order Bud Lime you need to be institutionalized). The best part is if you order a bucket of 5 beers, it only costs $8.00! And you get a bucket full of beer! Any special involving buckets is fantastic. 


Foggy Bottom is home to my favorite watering hole in our fair city, the Froggy Bottom Pub. $2.00 High Life bottles and $2.20 Rolling Rock bottles all night long. I love Miller High Life. I love Froggy Bottom Pub. The graffiti is amazing. The naked frog anthropomorphs are amazing. They even still have red, white, and blue streamers left up from inauguration. I loved Obama's inauguration and I bet you did, too! I'll see you here.


This is a tough day to find a happy hour. The theme here has been that the happy hour goes until close. On the off chance you actually want to do something more epic with your Fridays than just drink, I'll list two options that should be familiar to those who read this blog. Start off at My Brother's Place for an absurd beat-the-clock happy hour. At 4:00 domestic drafts are $0.75. every hour until 9:00 the price goes up $0.25. Jesus, Mary, and Joseph! 

After that, drag your pathetic selves over to DC9 for the open bar prior to the Liberation Dance Party. There you'll enjoy all the rail drinks you can drink for $7.00 from 9:00 until 10:30. If you need more specials after that, you're probably Amy Winehouse and if that's the case it's silly to be reading my blog because you don't live in DC!


It's got to come back to Duffy's. From 9:30 until 1:30 you can enjoy Duffy's normal happy hour of 1/2 priced draft beers and $2.00 cans! That means Guinness, Smithwicks, Hoegaarden, and Shock Top for $3.00. On a Saturday! That's really cool. Specials before 9:30 on a Saturday are an absurd thing to ask for and thus I will not even honor the request. A good example of an unhappy hour in, you guessed it, Georgetown is Sequoia's offer of 5 Miller Lites for $25.00. Stay east of 26th street my friends. Stay east.


The Lord's day. If the Lord lived in Washington, he would brunch. DC loves brunch. Brunch, brunch, brunch all the live-long day. If you're not lucky enough to go to a Bloomingdale pancakes-and-four-square brunch I have one, admittedly inferior, option for you. Kramer Books & Afterwords (Pun!) offers you a $3.00 mimosa or bloody mary and your second drink is only $1.50. Plus their brunch includes orange juice, breakfast breads, and coffee. It's fantastic. A bloody mary makes the world go round.

There you are, E-mail Chain readers. Your guide to the cheapest drinks the whole week through. If I missed something, which is unlikely to say the least, tell me in the comments section. If your happy hour has a time limit, it is already crappier than those listed above. 


Thursday, September 17, 2009

Empire State of Mind: The Chain Hits the Road

What's good in the hood? This weekend myself and a veritable Joe-pocalypse will descend on New York, New York. We will eat, drink, and be merry in a city much larger and much cooler than Washington, D.C. Whatever. I said it and it's true.

Do not despair! I still have some sweet ass tips for those stranded in the District and some more exotic ones courtesy of the Young America's Foundation! The GW chapter of the Young Asshole Fartknockers is not happy that Michelle Obama wants GW to do community service in exchange for her commencement speaking services. Now, you have to wonder why the Young Artisan Felchers would be upset over a successful, intelligent, African-American woman speaking to the class of 2010? You see what I did there? Now on to your weekend!

Friday September 18

I'll be in Bolt Bus bliss by the time you get the party started south of the Mason-Dixon line. However, before I tell you what you should be doing in D.C., let me tell you what you should be doing if you're into hot, 12-way Republican sex.

The Young Anal Fracas are inviting you- yes, you!- to the Reagan Ranch Couple's Weekend! Yes, you and your partner- who better well be not be the same sex as you! no buggering at Ronny's ranch allowed!- will be treated to "a trip you will never forget" because you get to have raucous missionary sex with Nancy Reagan and "an intimate group of five other couples" all weekend long! The Young Awkward Finger-bangers ask that "for more information" you should "please call Jason Barbour at 336-286-1701." Please call. PLEASE.

Well, if that didn't get you all hot and bothered, you're probably one of my regular readers and I therefore apologize for forcing you to read the letters R-O-N-A-L-D-R-E-A-G-A-N in that order. 

What you ought to be doing on Friday is heading over to NE to see Wale perform for free! Also, if you test drive a Kia Soul from noon-8:00, you get free tickets to see MGMT this Sunday. Shameless marketing ploy aside, WALE and MGMT for FREE THIS WEEKEND! There is a shuttle from Union Station that'll take you to the spot where this is all going down. It starts at 7:30pm.

Saturday September 19

During the day, starting at noon, there is the H Street Festival! It's free from noon-6:00 and features all sorts of fun sounding things. There is a free party courtesy of BYT at Rock and Roll Hotel. This sounds pretty sweet. Get out of your neighborhood and check this out. The Young Asshat Flirks might be there!

Later on in the evening, if you're NOT going to the Decemberists show at Terminal 5 in New York FUCKING City with a side Joe deep fried in Joe, then I'd recommend Fatback at Liv. You'll dance your pants off to kick ass music and sweat your ass off rubbing up on people's behinds. There is no cover and there is no dress code. Pre-game at Duffy's with 1/2 priced draft beers! Pre-game with the Yuengling's Always Funneled crew where it's always a grand old party!

Thursday, September 10, 2009

I'll Keep Writing This Blog When I'm Back At School: You Lie!

OK fine. I lied. I skipped an entire week of what to do in DC. I've been busy, OK? Classes started. The financial situation got a bit tighter. To be totally honest, street team member Paula visited with a bunch of other degenerates and made me drink Peppermint Schnapps. I've decided to blame Paula for all of this. 

Anyway, I'll let you know what I'd be doing if I were going to do anything this weekend. Maybe I am, maybe I am not. Who knows? I know one thing. This:

And the Jay-Z song comes on.

Friday September 11
It's always troubling when 9/11 falls on a Friday. Is this the first time this has happened? I've forgotten. Anyways, according to the Washington Examiner, Osama Bin Laden really likes Whitney Houston. Since he currently lives in a cave somewhere and can't enjoy his beloved Whitney Houston, I think it would be appropriate if we mocked his situation by going out and dancing to Whitney Houston music. 

I can't guarantee that Wonderland Ballroom will feature any Whitney BUT it does have DJ Stereofaith and DJ Trevor Martin. Stereofaith's Myspace curiously lacks any music. It also looks like he may be double booked, since his MySpace also says he'll be at Policy tonight. Whatever. Trevor Martin's mix sounds really dope. I'd be here if I could be anywhere on this fine Friday night.

Saturday September 12
Worn out after last night? Don't think you should go out tonight? That is a pre-9/11 mentality and you're now living in a post-9/11 weekend. So think again and start acting right. 

Where all the white women at? Probably at Mousetrap, billed as "DC's biggest Britpop dance night." It's ten tons of fun and, unfortunately, $10.00 to get in. Strict dollar-per-ton-of-fun policy in effect at the Black Cat. It's a pretty serious good time. I hope they play some Metric, Phoenix, and Wombats! I don't even know if those count as Britpop. What the hell is it anyway? I guess anything that sounds like it could be by the Killers who in turn sound like they could be from Britain. Voila! Britpop! It's also 18+, so go wild, kids.

Sunday September 13
I'll see you at Lucky Bar bright and early for the Aston Villa-Birmingham City game. My beloved Villans take on their arch rival club in England's "Second City Derby!" I assume they'll have it recorded and play it at 10:00, seeing as it starts at 7:00 in the morning on this side of the Atlantic. Really good fish and chips. I'll just be drinking tea.

That's entertainment!

Later on in the day, otherwise known as the night, there is a soiree of sorts. In fact, it's called Art Soiree and it's located at Station 9 on U Street. It features the work of fashion photographer Yulia Gorbachenko, a Georgian, a Moldovan, the Pete Muldoon Band, DJ Manifesto, and DJ Koki. This sounds pretty fancy, so I want to make sure the street team dresses in style. Wear your fanciest knickers!

Sunday, August 30, 2009

Back to School Edition: Tenleytown to Brookland as DC Hits the Books

Since this post will encompass the first days of September, this is obligatory:

So great. It's back to school time, which is excellent because my life is in need some of some serious structure. However, that doesn't mean I'm going to give up my little web pamphlet! Faithful readers, you mean too much to me. I also thoroughly enjoy looking at Google Analytics and seeing a new dozen or so hits each week. The 20 or so people who read this thing regularly, you guys are the best. I will be doing less of the things I post about for a combination of financial and academic reasons. However, that doesn't I mean endorse them any less enthusiastically. IN FACT, my not being able to do some of the things I blawg about hurts me in my heart of hearts, and so I actually want others to do them. So do them. I want it. Make it hurt so good, dear readers.

Monday August 31

Happy Birthday to my mom, Pam! Amazingly, she reads this sometimes and actually thought it was decent! My mom is great! Even the filthy little bible post I wrote, and even I blushed when I wrote that one! Anyways, happy birthday mom!

If you're going to the Killers concert at Merriweather then fuck you. However, if you're not doing that, there are other ways to celebrate my mom's birthday!

My mom appreciates a good glass of wine. I appreciate good deals. Thus, Urbana has the perfect aperitif hour to suit both our tastes. Glasses of wine are $5.00 from 4:00-7:00 and their delicious pizzas are only $8.00. Aperitif hour repeats from 10:00-11:00, so you can have a nightcap if you choose. I'm happy to give Dupont Circle some love, since I rarely send anyone near there. I'm an east-of-18th kind of guy.

For the GW crowd, the 14th Grade Players are part of a student theater showcase at the Betts Theater in the Marvin Center. It starts at 8:00. As an alumni of the theater company I demand YOU GO SEE THIS. 

Tuesday September 1st

Wolly Mammoth Theater Company presents Eclipsed, the story of Liberian women brought together by the trials and tribulations civil war. It's a pay-what-you-can performance, so that means for as little as $1.00, you can enjoy some seriously good theater in downtown DC! Barackstars was really good and I'm sure this will be, too!

Wednesday September 2nd

This is a total stab in the dark. I don't even know what this will be like. However, the wikipedia entry for Ian Svenonius convinced me that it will be, at the very least, an interesting way to spend an evening. It's at the Velvet Lounge, which at the very least, has a cool name. It's on U Street, where most good things tend to be. It's called Prove It!, which makes me think this could prove itself to be fun.

Thursday September 3rd

I'm going to rep the Millenium Stage. Local singer and songwriter Benjy Ferree is performing and his stuff sounds pretty cool. It's free. Do it. You all pretty much live in Foggy Bottom. Go. It'll be great. Get beers afterwards at Froggy. $2.00 High Life all night long. This will be what I'm doing. In fact, this is my pick of the week. Millennium Stage and Froggy. Do it.

Have a good first day of school! Make lots of friends!

Thursday, August 27, 2009

For All Those Whose Parties Have Been Our Parties: The Dancing Goes On and The Beat Shall Never Die

Ted Kennedy died this week. You all know this. Here he is making an impassioned plea for Republicans to pull their heads out of their asses and raise the minimum wage. This is a great example of why Ted Kennedy was an awesome Senator.

Now, for your final weekend in August. Get ready to get down.

Friday August 27

This Friday has a plethora of things to be doing. Lucky for you, I'm going to narrow it down to the one thing you need to be doing tonight. Nay, the one thing you need to be doing this summer.

That's right. It's all 90s music all night long with Will Eastman at the 9:30 club with the No Scrubs Dance Party. If you were lucky enough to have attended the 90s versus 2000s party at Black Cat in the spring, you know these parties RULE. Last summer street team member Joe maintains I made out with a girl who was in high school and had braces. I maintain she did not have braces, but I definitely did not ask for a GED, so who knows about her level of schooling? Anyways, this party is a criminal amount of fun. Doors open at 9:00. Roll in at 11:00 and you'll be rocking all night long. $10.00 at the door and ATTENTION ALL UNDER-AGE READERS: this event is all ages. Obviously this can lead to the unfortunate scenario of locking lips with a minor but I think that's a risk we're all willing to take.

Your happy hour this Friday is to gather friends and family around your hearth, raise a glass to Ted Kennedy, and then raise a few more glasses to the No Scrubs Dance Party. I'll see you at the 9:30 Club.

Saturday August 28

My new favorite thing in DC is Duffy's late night happy hour. On Saturday nights, Duffy's offers 1/2 price draft beers, which means $3.00 Smithwicks, Guinnes, and Hoegaarden. That's amazing. 

After you've had your fill of cheap Irish draft beer, If I were looking to groove. I'd head a few blocks southwest to Saint Ex's downstairs club space Gate 54. DJ DK is spinning Saturday night and his MySpace sounds pretty promising. 

If you don't feel like getting down, E Street Cinema is showing Quentin Tarantino's exquisite Reservoir Dogs at midnight. In case you've forgotten how sick this movie is, here's a clip.

Sunday August 30

Wow! Bonus Sunday post! What fantastic weekend this must be! As I recently and most vulgarly blogged about this past week, GWU students are returning, like so many swallows to Capistrano, to Foggy Bottom. In order to entertain the well tanned denizens of GWU, the Program Board at the college is showing Star Trek in University Yard this Sunday at sun down. I didn't see this movie while it was in theaters, so I'm probably going to hit this up. 

Not sure how the outdoor boozing situation will be. I say if you're of age, go for it. The worst they'll do is tell you to stop. I drank white wine and ate ahi tuna in University Yard once, so they're not super strict as long as you keep it super classy. Sorry Schlitz fans.

I'll see you in September.

Monday, August 24, 2009

Welcome Back College Students: Do Not Buy, Hold, or Consume Alcohol While Inside the Club

Good morning, Washington! College students are descending upon the Distrito Federal this week. As I sit here, checking in fresh-faced GW freshmen, I can't help but be excited for all the fun they're going to have this year at school. In honor of their arrival, this week will feature a "Re-live Freshmen Year Fun Tip!" for each day of the week.

I am also painting my dining room this week! This has no bearing on anyone else's week but it's my blog so suck it.

Monday August 24

RFYFT: As soon as someone leaves the room you're in, begin furiously masturbating. Bonus nostalgia points if someone walks in on you whilst masturbating to your dirty little porn videos, you deviant. No woman will ever love you! You're chafing!

The main problem with pub quizzes is that they all seem to start too early. Surprisingly, Tonic in Foggy Bottom has answered my prayers with a quiz night that starts at 8:30! Seating begins around 7:00. Now, I know what you're thinking. "Pat, Tonic is like getting kicked in the taint and then being overcharged for a low-quality taint kick!" Hold on there, desperado. Their happy hour is really, really good. They also have the decency to have $3.00 Miller High Lifes during trivia. As per usual, their food specials are bullshit but the $0.50 wings are still some of the best wings I've ever tasted. Do this tonight OR what's more likely is you get a quiz team together and actually go at some point in the future! You could win a $50.00 bar tab.

Tuesday August 25

RFYFT: Get drunk and tell your girlfriend who is still in high school that you love her. If you don't have a girlfriend who is in high school, just know that our love is strong and you have no right to judge me. Alternately, get drunk and ignore calls from your boyfriend who goes to another school because you're sick of his whiny, weepy bullshit. Give out handjobs like they're going out of style. Which they are, but that's a topic for another time.

John Hughes is dead. We all know this and are very sad about it. Luckily there is this fun YouTube video out there. If you watch this and don't smile, you don't have a soul.

Also, Asylum is having a John Hughes memorial film series. "Weird Science" and "Pretty in Pink" are on tap. The show starts at 8:00.

Hello Cupcake! in Dupont Circle is also turning 1 year old today. They are celebrating by giving away FREE MOTHERFUCKING CUPCAKES. I'm not really into baked goods, but a free cupcake is a free cupcake. It says while supplies last, which I expect to not be very long since they are giving away FREE MOTHERFUCKING CUPCAKES.

Wednesday August 26

RFYFT: Get embarrassingly dressed up in order to attend a frat party. Ladies, this means hot little dresses and make-up. Just because there is a thick film of vomit, urine, and Natural Light on the floor doesn't mean you can't look good. Except it does because you won't. Sorry. But college is all about trying new things, like dressing up for events that don't require dressing up (i.e. frat parties, 8:00 classes). And drinking enough of that cool, clear, refreshing Natural Light to convince yourself that frayed baseball caps and striped shirts are what you like in a man. Gentlemen, you'll be wearing frayed baseball caps and striped shirts.

The International Spy Museum has community night this Wednesday! That's us, DC! The main exhibition is open to the DC community for free from 5:00-9:00. Full disclosure: I work at the Spy Museum. However, I am not gaining anything by writing about this. I'm not even going to be there on Wednesday! But you should be, because the museum is free and very, very cool! You can sign up for community night here.

Thursday August 27

RFYFT: Buy really crappy liquor. We're talking Popov or some hellish gin. Preferably you'll have inappropriate mixers (Gin and OJ, Gin and Coke, etc.) or just buy a bottle of peppermint schnapps. Get some acquaintances (these people are not your friends. You'll ditch them 2 months into school for your real friends and then you'll do the same thing with your real friends) and sit in a circle. Take shots. Then take to the streets! Wander aimlessly around Georgetown, Foggy Bottom, Tenleytown, Brookland, or Shaw looking for "cool parties". No freshmen has ever found the cool party, but god dammit they're out there trying. Alternately, if you're a girl, you can go hang out at the "cool frat. No, they're so different from the other ones. They're all really nice guys. So chill. Me and my roommate just go over there and hang out." Still make sure you pre-game with peppermint schnapps and self-deception!

OK. I haven't been to this place in a while, but I like it. The beer is a bit expensive, but I believe Miller Lite drafts are still $4.00. It's the Dubliner, attached to the Phoenix Hotel. Basically, it has awesome live Irish music. If you've ever been to Dublin (or Boston) you know the joys of drunkenly singing Irish songs about such varied topics as how awful women are, how awesome drinking is, and hating English people. It's solid fun. I recommend a pre-game session and then you're off! It's good craic!

Also, a shout out to GW readers who are returning to the friendly confines of Foggy Bottom. If you're worried about DC changing while you were gone, don't worry: everyone else in the city still really fucking hates you.


Thursday, August 20, 2009

Robert Novak is Dead: The CIA Can Now Sleep Soundly

American hero and eyebrow aficionado Robert Novak is no longer stalking the streets of DC in his black corvette, running over homeless people. That should make it a lot safer for The Chain to cross streets during our days and nights of revelry. In honor of Robert "Bobby" Novak's passing, here are The Decemberists playing their song "Valerie Plame" at a campaign event for Dear Leader B. Hussein Obama.

Onward to our weekend glory!

Friday August 21

I realize I've been a little lackluster lately (alliteration MUCH?) when it comes to happy hours. That ends TODAY. I'm going with Circle Bistro in glorious Foggy Bottom (The West End? Who knows?). They have 1/2 price martinis and, boy oh boy, do they have great martinis. My personal favorite is The Kaiser Wilhelm. Mostly for the name, but also for the gin. The menu is here. Pick your favorite and then go drink it! Happy hour is only from 5:00-7:00, so it's a slim window to get some delicious dranks.

Little Miss Whiskey's is a place I've been dying to explore because the name is just so damn cool. It's located in an unmarked town house on H Street NE, so pay special attention to that address. In case you're lazy or a very old person, I've linked to a google map showing the location so you don't have to fiddle around with the google. U.S. Royalty is DJing and here is a link to their MySpace so you can listen to them but probably not use the listening as way to determine if you will indeed patronize LMW's tonight.

Saturday August 22

The BYT pool party is of particular note this week because it was, uh oh, RACIST. In a bizarre display of hipster ignorance or irony run amok, they decreed that this week the party theme would be Indian Camp! A bunch of white people drinking and frolicking around a pool at a party themed after a race of people slaughtered by white people! What could be wrong with that? Anyway, it looks like the Capitol Skyline Hotel, a place that is aware of how people don't like racist things (Glen Beck, Don Imus, Wyoming, etc.) ordered BYT to change the name. Or maybe someone realized what a shit storm this could kick up. Whatever. Now the theme is

OMFG August is Hot. Come to the Pool! Camp

Succinct. Well reasoned. Not racist. Check, check, and check. As always, it's $10.00 at the door. The music lineup will be choice with Bluebrain, Will Eastman, and some of the Fatback DJs spinning all afternoon from 12:00-8:00.

If you've had your fill of angry Natives and pouty hipsters during the day, my suggestion for the evening is as follows:
The BLISS dance party is pretty phenomenal. Will Eastman is the most fun DJ in Washington. There. I said it. Anyway, Yes Giantess, Codebreaker, Dmerit and cool visuals will also be in attendance to make this a damn fine way to spend your Saturday night. I have to work in the morning so sadly I will miss this. Please, go for me. Enjoy it for me. Black Cat Main stage dance parties make the world go 'round.

As a special side note, I'd like to thank all of The E-mail Chain's readers. We've been growing nicely since our first post. I'd also like everyone to know that The Chain has received traffic from Wasilla, AK and Chapaqua, NY. This can mean only one thing: Sarah Palin and Bill Clinton are E-mail Chain readers. I'll assume Sarah found it because of my bible verse post and Bill probably just trolls nightlife blogs in DC so he can have fun when he sleeps on the Secretary of State's couch. Again, thanks to all the regulars and of course to former Governor Palin and former President Clinton.

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