Monday, August 24, 2009

Welcome Back College Students: Do Not Buy, Hold, or Consume Alcohol While Inside the Club

Good morning, Washington! College students are descending upon the Distrito Federal this week. As I sit here, checking in fresh-faced GW freshmen, I can't help but be excited for all the fun they're going to have this year at school. In honor of their arrival, this week will feature a "Re-live Freshmen Year Fun Tip!" for each day of the week.

I am also painting my dining room this week! This has no bearing on anyone else's week but it's my blog so suck it.

Monday August 24

RFYFT: As soon as someone leaves the room you're in, begin furiously masturbating. Bonus nostalgia points if someone walks in on you whilst masturbating to your dirty little porn videos, you deviant. No woman will ever love you! You're chafing!

The main problem with pub quizzes is that they all seem to start too early. Surprisingly, Tonic in Foggy Bottom has answered my prayers with a quiz night that starts at 8:30! Seating begins around 7:00. Now, I know what you're thinking. "Pat, Tonic is like getting kicked in the taint and then being overcharged for a low-quality taint kick!" Hold on there, desperado. Their happy hour is really, really good. They also have the decency to have $3.00 Miller High Lifes during trivia. As per usual, their food specials are bullshit but the $0.50 wings are still some of the best wings I've ever tasted. Do this tonight OR what's more likely is you get a quiz team together and actually go at some point in the future! You could win a $50.00 bar tab.

Tuesday August 25

RFYFT: Get drunk and tell your girlfriend who is still in high school that you love her. If you don't have a girlfriend who is in high school, just know that our love is strong and you have no right to judge me. Alternately, get drunk and ignore calls from your boyfriend who goes to another school because you're sick of his whiny, weepy bullshit. Give out handjobs like they're going out of style. Which they are, but that's a topic for another time.

John Hughes is dead. We all know this and are very sad about it. Luckily there is this fun YouTube video out there. If you watch this and don't smile, you don't have a soul.

Also, Asylum is having a John Hughes memorial film series. "Weird Science" and "Pretty in Pink" are on tap. The show starts at 8:00.

Hello Cupcake! in Dupont Circle is also turning 1 year old today. They are celebrating by giving away FREE MOTHERFUCKING CUPCAKES. I'm not really into baked goods, but a free cupcake is a free cupcake. It says while supplies last, which I expect to not be very long since they are giving away FREE MOTHERFUCKING CUPCAKES.

Wednesday August 26

RFYFT: Get embarrassingly dressed up in order to attend a frat party. Ladies, this means hot little dresses and make-up. Just because there is a thick film of vomit, urine, and Natural Light on the floor doesn't mean you can't look good. Except it does because you won't. Sorry. But college is all about trying new things, like dressing up for events that don't require dressing up (i.e. frat parties, 8:00 classes). And drinking enough of that cool, clear, refreshing Natural Light to convince yourself that frayed baseball caps and striped shirts are what you like in a man. Gentlemen, you'll be wearing frayed baseball caps and striped shirts.

The International Spy Museum has community night this Wednesday! That's us, DC! The main exhibition is open to the DC community for free from 5:00-9:00. Full disclosure: I work at the Spy Museum. However, I am not gaining anything by writing about this. I'm not even going to be there on Wednesday! But you should be, because the museum is free and very, very cool! You can sign up for community night here.

Thursday August 27

RFYFT: Buy really crappy liquor. We're talking Popov or some hellish gin. Preferably you'll have inappropriate mixers (Gin and OJ, Gin and Coke, etc.) or just buy a bottle of peppermint schnapps. Get some acquaintances (these people are not your friends. You'll ditch them 2 months into school for your real friends and then you'll do the same thing with your real friends) and sit in a circle. Take shots. Then take to the streets! Wander aimlessly around Georgetown, Foggy Bottom, Tenleytown, Brookland, or Shaw looking for "cool parties". No freshmen has ever found the cool party, but god dammit they're out there trying. Alternately, if you're a girl, you can go hang out at the "cool frat. No, they're so different from the other ones. They're all really nice guys. So chill. Me and my roommate just go over there and hang out." Still make sure you pre-game with peppermint schnapps and self-deception!

OK. I haven't been to this place in a while, but I like it. The beer is a bit expensive, but I believe Miller Lite drafts are still $4.00. It's the Dubliner, attached to the Phoenix Hotel. Basically, it has awesome live Irish music. If you've ever been to Dublin (or Boston) you know the joys of drunkenly singing Irish songs about such varied topics as how awful women are, how awesome drinking is, and hating English people. It's solid fun. I recommend a pre-game session and then you're off! It's good craic!

Also, a shout out to GW readers who are returning to the friendly confines of Foggy Bottom. If you're worried about DC changing while you were gone, don't worry: everyone else in the city still really fucking hates you.



  1. my hatchet homies and i dominate tonic trivia like we have jobs (cwidt?). anyway, it's good fun. cheap beer, the $4 tater tots are not a terrible deal esp when you split them, and the team names are hilarious, including: My Couch Pulls Out But I Don't and Number of People I've Slept With (then the announcer says their score and everyone laughs).

    But don't expect to win. We win like 8/10 times and often it's not even close. $50 shipitholla

  2. What about "drunken midnight monument tour with half of your floor" Those were always so special. We can pregame with Hipnotiq

  3. Marc, BA, American StudiesAugust 24, 2009 at 2:14 PM

    dude i heard that the when the world bank protests happen, gw shuts down and we get like a week off from class

  4. Emergency! How are we commemorating Teddy tonight???

  5. Half price Guinness and Smithwicks at Duffy's seems like an appropriate choice.

    Bay State readers (and others as well!): pour one out for Senator Edward Moore Kennedy tonight!


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