Middle of the Week Post: Happy Hour Picks

I've been spotty on the weekday posts. I feel like a decent compromise between me and my glorious, adoring public (39 of you if Facebook Fans are to be trusted!) is that I do a weekend post and then occasionally I'll half-ass something during the week. Is that cool with everyone? I just watched Obama on Letterman and I have some pent up energy so I've decided to lay down, in online writing, the happy hours I would go to if I had the time and the liver to do it.

If anyone can somehow prove that they've been to all 7 of these in one consecutive week, I'll buy you a drink at someplace fancy. We'll go get a martini at- where do the rich drink?- a martini bar or an Olive Garden or something like that. A pitcher of strawberry swirl margaritas at Lauriol Plaza? Who knows. Anyway, here it is: the comprehensive E-mail Chain guide to drinking on the cheap in DC.

Monday

My work week starts on Mondays, like many people, because it is the first day in which I go to work. This makes Monday one of the shittier days of the week. There is no joke I could make here that Garfield hasn't already made poorly, so I'll just leave it at that. On Monday, go to Duffy's for $2.00 canned beers. This includes the 16oz version of Pabst Blue Ribbon. 16oz for $2.00?! That sounds fantastic. Best part is the deal lasts until 11:30, which is good because Metro closes shortly thereafter. See? Even if you don't live near U Street, you don't have to settle for expensive drinks in your neighborhood. Unless you live in Georgetown. If you do, just do us all a favor and settle, alright?

Tuesday

Tuesday is a strange day. I'm not going to explain that, I just always feel that Tuesdays are a little funny. It's like seeing skinny people on the Tourmobile. It's not necessarily wrong, it just doesn't feel right. In the spirit of doing something that doesn't quite feel right, I'm going to recommend a bar downtown. It's Chef Geoff's. It's not going to be loud. It's not going to be crowded. ESPN and maybe CNN will be on. It's at Metro Center. However, $2.95 "long necks" (what normal people refer to as bottles of beer), $7.95 Super Mugs (33.8oz), $5.95 giant, really good burgers and $8.95 pizza make this something worth your while. Catch a flick at the E Street Cinema before hand perhaps. Or don't and just go drink and eat burgers. Either is OK with me.

Wednesday

OK. I've got U Street covered. Downtown covered. Time to give everyone's favorite least favorite place in DC some love: The Hill! People who work on the hill are pretty weird. It's a given. However, people who DON'T work on the hill and just show up to drink there are much, much weirder. Borderline creepy, actually. This is where you all come in. I have to give it up for the Union Pub. $2.00 Bud, Bud Light and Bud Lime (if you order Bud Lime you need to be institutionalized). The best part is if you order a bucket of 5 beers, it only costs $8.00! And you get a bucket full of beer! Any special involving buckets is fantastic. 

Thursday

Foggy Bottom is home to my favorite watering hole in our fair city, the Froggy Bottom Pub. $2.00 High Life bottles and $2.20 Rolling Rock bottles all night long. I love Miller High Life. I love Froggy Bottom Pub. The graffiti is amazing. The naked frog anthropomorphs are amazing. They even still have red, white, and blue streamers left up from inauguration. I loved Obama's inauguration and I bet you did, too! I'll see you here.

Friday

This is a tough day to find a happy hour. The theme here has been that the happy hour goes until close. On the off chance you actually want to do something more epic with your Fridays than just drink, I'll list two options that should be familiar to those who read this blog. Start off at My Brother's Place for an absurd beat-the-clock happy hour. At 4:00 domestic drafts are $0.75. every hour until 9:00 the price goes up $0.25. Jesus, Mary, and Joseph! 

After that, drag your pathetic selves over to DC9 for the open bar prior to the Liberation Dance Party. There you'll enjoy all the rail drinks you can drink for $7.00 from 9:00 until 10:30. If you need more specials after that, you're probably Amy Winehouse and if that's the case it's silly to be reading my blog because you don't live in DC!

Saturday

It's got to come back to Duffy's. From 9:30 until 1:30 you can enjoy Duffy's normal happy hour of 1/2 priced draft beers and $2.00 cans! That means Guinness, Smithwicks, Hoegaarden, and Shock Top for $3.00. On a Saturday! That's really cool. Specials before 9:30 on a Saturday are an absurd thing to ask for and thus I will not even honor the request. A good example of an unhappy hour in, you guessed it, Georgetown is Sequoia's offer of 5 Miller Lites for $25.00. Stay east of 26th street my friends. Stay east.

Sunday

The Lord's day. If the Lord lived in Washington, he would brunch. DC loves brunch. Brunch, brunch, brunch all the live-long day. If you're not lucky enough to go to a Bloomingdale pancakes-and-four-square brunch I have one, admittedly inferior, option for you. Kramer Books & Afterwords (Pun!) offers you a $3.00 mimosa or bloody mary and your second drink is only $1.50. Plus their brunch includes orange juice, breakfast breads, and coffee. It's fantastic. A bloody mary makes the world go round.

There you are, E-mail Chain readers. Your guide to the cheapest drinks the whole week through. If I missed something, which is unlikely to say the least, tell me in the comments section. If your happy hour has a time limit, it is already crappier than those listed above. 

Cheers!

Empire State of Mind: The Chain Hits the Road

What's good in the hood? This weekend myself and a veritable Joe-pocalypse will descend on New York, New York. We will eat, drink, and be merry in a city much larger and much cooler than Washington, D.C. Whatever. I said it and it's true.

Do not despair! I still have some sweet ass tips for those stranded in the District and some more exotic ones courtesy of the Young America's Foundation! The GW chapter of the Young Asshole Fartknockers is not happy that Michelle Obama wants GW to do community service in exchange for her commencement speaking services. Now, you have to wonder why the Young Artisan Felchers would be upset over a successful, intelligent, African-American woman speaking to the class of 2010? You see what I did there? Now on to your weekend!

Friday September 18

I'll be in Bolt Bus bliss by the time you get the party started south of the Mason-Dixon line. However, before I tell you what you should be doing in D.C., let me tell you what you should be doing if you're into hot, 12-way Republican sex.

The Young Anal Fracas are inviting you- yes, you!- to the Reagan Ranch Couple's Weekend! Yes, you and your partner- who better well be not be the same sex as you! no buggering at Ronny's ranch allowed!- will be treated to "a trip you will never forget" because you get to have raucous missionary sex with Nancy Reagan and "an intimate group of five other couples" all weekend long! The Young Awkward Finger-bangers ask that "for more information" you should "please call Jason Barbour at 336-286-1701." Please call. PLEASE.

Well, if that didn't get you all hot and bothered, you're probably one of my regular readers and I therefore apologize for forcing you to read the letters R-O-N-A-L-D-R-E-A-G-A-N in that order. 

What you ought to be doing on Friday is heading over to NE to see Wale perform for free! Also, if you test drive a Kia Soul from noon-8:00, you get free tickets to see MGMT this Sunday. Shameless marketing ploy aside, WALE and MGMT for FREE THIS WEEKEND! There is a shuttle from Union Station that'll take you to the spot where this is all going down. It starts at 7:30pm.

Saturday September 19

During the day, starting at noon, there is the H Street Festival! It's free from noon-6:00 and features all sorts of fun sounding things. There is a free party courtesy of BYT at Rock and Roll Hotel. This sounds pretty sweet. Get out of your neighborhood and check this out. The Young Asshat Flirks might be there!

Later on in the evening, if you're NOT going to the Decemberists show at Terminal 5 in New York FUCKING City with a side Joe deep fried in Joe, then I'd recommend Fatback at Liv. You'll dance your pants off to kick ass music and sweat your ass off rubbing up on people's behinds. There is no cover and there is no dress code. Pre-game at Duffy's with 1/2 priced draft beers! Pre-game with the Yuengling's Always Funneled crew where it's always a grand old party!

I'll Keep Writing This Blog When I'm Back At School: You Lie!

OK fine. I lied. I skipped an entire week of what to do in DC. I've been busy, OK? Classes started. The financial situation got a bit tighter. To be totally honest, street team member Paula visited with a bunch of other degenerates and made me drink Peppermint Schnapps. I've decided to blame Paula for all of this. 

Anyway, I'll let you know what I'd be doing if I were going to do anything this weekend. Maybe I am, maybe I am not. Who knows? I know one thing. This:

And the Jay-Z song comes on.

Friday September 11

It's always troubling when 9/11 falls on a Friday. Is this the first time this has happened? I've forgotten. Anyways, according to the Washington Examiner, Osama Bin Laden really likes Whitney Houston. Since he currently lives in a cave somewhere and can't enjoy his beloved Whitney Houston, I think it would be appropriate if we mocked his situation by going out and dancing to Whitney Houston music. 

I can't guarantee that Wonderland Ballroom will feature any Whitney BUT it does have DJ Stereofaith and DJ Trevor Martin. Stereofaith's Myspace curiously lacks any music. It also looks like he may be double booked, since his MySpace also says he'll be at Policy tonight. Whatever. Trevor Martin's mix sounds really dope. I'd be here if I could be anywhere on this fine Friday night.

Saturday September 12

Worn out after last night? Don't think you should go out tonight? That is a pre-9/11 mentality and you're now living in a post-9/11 weekend. So think again and start acting right. 

Where all the white women at? Probably at Mousetrap, billed as "DC's biggest Britpop dance night." It's ten tons of fun and, unfortunately, $10.00 to get in. Strict dollar-per-ton-of-fun policy in effect at the Black Cat. It's a pretty serious good time. I hope they play some Metric, Phoenix, and Wombats! I don't even know if those count as Britpop. What the hell is it anyway? I guess anything that sounds like it could be by the Killers who in turn sound like they could be from Britain. Voila! Britpop! It's also 18+, so go wild, kids.

Sunday September 13

I'll see you at Lucky Bar bright and early for the Aston Villa-Birmingham City game. My beloved Villans take on their arch rival club in England's "Second City Derby!" I assume they'll have it recorded and play it at 10:00, seeing as it starts at 7:00 in the morning on this side of the Atlantic. Really good fish and chips. I'll just be drinking tea.

That's entertainment!

Later on in the day, otherwise known as the night, there is a soiree of sorts. In fact, it's called Art Soiree and it's located at Station 9 on U Street. It features the work of fashion photographer Yulia Gorbachenko, a Georgian, a Moldovan, the Pete Muldoon Band, DJ Manifesto, and DJ Koki. This sounds pretty fancy, so I want to make sure the street team dresses in style. Wear your fanciest knickers!